I Love and Hate Writing (And a “Screw You, WordPress!” Rant)

WordPress has made accessing the admin dashboard page a pain in the ass! I had to manually type in wp-admin just to get there. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WordPress! You guys are still the premium blogging platform on the planet, but that’s because there’s absolutely no competition in your echelon right now. I remember when I first made a blog on WordPress. It was in 2006. The layout was tremendous. You could access your stats and WP-Admin so quickly, and logging out was a cinch. You didn’t have to search for it.

2006-2008, WordPress was excellent. 2009-2011, it was still top notch. Even in early 2012 it was great, but ever since, the guys and gals behind the platform keep tinkering with the website design, and instead of improving it, it keeps getting worse. I digress.

I used to want to be a writer. Of course, that’s a silly statement to make, because anyone can be a writer if they simply sit down and write words. But damn it, I wanted to be a writer with prestige and an impressive vocabulary that hooked the eyes of a multitude of readers. That dream died out a few years ago (maybe five or six?), but I never stopped loving writing.

I’ve made so many blogs on WordPress over the years, from talking about sports to food to life.

One of my biggest regrets is not continuing the blog I started in May 2008, “Clogged Arteries”. I was just about to finish up my junior year of high school. I was also in, physically, the best shape of my life, but I vehemently enjoyed bacon (I still do, but I did, then, too) and even moreso, Baconators from Wendy’s. That was before I started cooking my own food and before I really delved deep into nutritional science.

I attracted a following fast, because back then WordPress was set up much better. The tag pages were more oganized; when you’d search for a specific tag, there’d be a “top/featured” post and the recent posts. It was easy to navigate and not so in-your-face and clunky like it is now. Within a month I was getting daily comments from strangers around the web on my content. I wrote about greasy foods, with pictures and pretentiously witty commentary, and my crowd ate it up. But I stopped. Looking back, I’m not sure why I did. Boredom? Apathy?

I love writing, but I hate it, too. Over the years I can’t stand some phrases that people use. I hate the word ‘muse’ when it comes to writing. Who’s your muse? It makes me cringe similar to nails screeching down a chalkboard.

One of the biggest reasons my attempts at writing has dropped off is that my girlfriend moved in with me last June. I love her to death and I plan on marrying her, but 1.) I’m definitely an introvert (albeit I enjoy being social and I can hold my own in public speaking, I love my alone time so goddamn much) and 2.) she… loves to be around me all day when she doesn’t have to work; I appreciate that, but read what I wrote in #1’s parenthesis.

I’m an only child. Even though I’d spend many days and nights with my best friend/de facto brother, I spent a lot of time alone, writing or playing video games or shooting basketball in the driveway (when my dad was at work) or riding my bike in my little neighborhood. I did my homework in my room. Peaceful, quiet time was and still is my bliss.

My girlfriend has a younger sister. Her family, the four of ’em, did everything together. They had their computer in the living room, right near the TV, and that’s where she and her sister would do their homework when they were in school. I can’t imagine that! Doing your homework while the TV is on? Holy shit! No concentration whatsoever from yours truly…

No kinds of noises bother my girlfriend (except she hates hearing someone smack their lips when they eat). I’m — on the other hand — different. I guess I have a touch of misophonia (hatred of certain noises). I hate hearing people eat… crunching, slurping, etc. I even get a little annoyed at heavy breathing. Let me clarify with the ‘heavy breathing’ comment — I mean, if you are sitting down and doing nothing, and I’m trying to read, write or something, and you are sitting over there heavily breathing as if you just completed a triathlon, I feel like snapping.

I know it pisses my girlfriend off, because she knows these noises drive me nuts, but I can’t help it. I’d love to find a way to just not allow those noises to bother me, but I have zero clue how to do that. I can’t stand hearing someone crunch almonds, carrots, chips or pickles when I’m trying to immerse myself in a movie or TV show and hear the characters speak. Totally fucks up the experience of watching.

Even though I’d love to change my hatred of certain noises to where they don’t bother me, I will always love my alone time. My girlfriend also takes this as an insult, when she shouldn’t. It’s simply my personality. I may have felt this way even if I didn’t grow up as an only child with plenty of alone time. I just enjoy being by myself with my own thoughts. It’s not that I don’t want to be with her (of course I do). I just love spending time alone a couple hours a day.

I don’t like writing around other people. It’s an intimate, personal and alone act to me. That’s why I could never be one of those stereotypical ‘writers’ that you see in coffee shops. Too much noise, too many people and too big of a chance for coffee to spill on the computer (I’m a neat freak and never have liquids or food around my laptop).

Finally, I’m awful about proofreading. I hate it. Hate it. I don’t like going back and reviewing what I’ve written.

I Hate Both Presidential Candidates

This is the perfect election for left and right extremists.

For others, like yours truly, who don’t pander to one side or the other, this is hell.

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton equally represent the absolute worst of what all of humanity has to offer. The two of them are selfish, greedy, lying, sociopathic narcissists with borderline personality disorders. I give a slight nod to Hillary Clinton in regards to who is more mentally ill.

There doesn’t appear to be a compassionate bone in either of them. I’m having difficulties recognizing which one of them is more power hungry or fundamentally evil. Both have done ridiculous amounts of harm in order to elevate their status and both of them have and continue to readily lie to cover their tracks. Both devalue human life and both seek out every opportunity to shamelessly brag about personal and professional accomplishments that truly never happened. Both have also left wakes of destroyed personal and professional relationships that have ruined peoples’ lives. Both have chosen personal enrichment over substance and honor at every turn.

Perhaps the most telling is that both claim bravery and loyalty when their lives are peppered with the exact opposite of that. Trump and Clinton are chickenshit hypocrites with delusions of grandeur. How our system ended up with these two dipshit charlatans confounds me. I guess at this point we are simply voting for who we want as Vice President.

Change of Career Choices, Fear and Aging

I made my first WordPress blog in late 2006. It was about sports. I think I wrote about how Marc Bulger was a top 5 quarterback in the NFL or something. In 2007, I made another sports blog and wrote on there for a couple of years before I burned out. I wanted to be a sports journalist. I talked to sportswriters from around the nation online (on a forum geared towards sportswriters) and practiced my passion. Then I met my first love, dated her for two and a half years before she cheated on and left me. After battling (natural) depression for a while, I wanted to go balls deep into the nutritional science field, but I took no action for a while..

After returning to (community) college in 2014 (for a reference: I graduated high school in 2009 and originally went to college that fall before dropping out by the end of the semester), I made straight A’s and decided that, for the fall of 2015, I’d change my major to pre-med, since I’d decided I wanted to be a physical therapist.

The 2015 school season, as a whole, was successful. For the first time in my life (at 24-years-old), I took chemistry. I made a B last fall and a C in the spring. It was hell. Math has never been my forte. Hell, I’ve ranted on here about math in the past. But thanks to YouTube videos and intense studying (my notes), I made it through that goddamn class. But the worst part of it was my lab instructor. Now… I do realize that most students were 18-years-old, fresh out of high school, but I didn’t appreciate being talked down to or treated like a subhuman by the lab instructor, who did just that to everybody in the class. I could rant and rant about that, but I’ll leave it at that. I digress.

I changed my major back to general studies last month when I went to sign up for fall classes. I only have a few more credits to complete before I move on. This has been a journey of personal redemption for yours truly. I really fucked up back in 2009 by not withdrawing from classes properly. I had a 1.9 GPA when I returned to college in 2014… I’ve brought that puppy up to a 3.0 through plenty of hard work.

I changed my major because this last year destroyed my passion for wanting to be a physical therapist. “Destroyed” might be a dramatic way of putting it, but really, I just don’t give a shit. After all the math (chemistry + the developmental math class I was taking), my passion and drive was zapped. I just lack the desire to want to continue through all the future math classes. Why do I need calculus? What’s the point? It just feels so fruitless to me. I can’t dig deep enough to find a reason to move forward in that endeavor, y’know?

All the money in the world isn’t worth wasting time being miserable. You might say, “Bruh, just think, once you get through all that math, you’ll be done for good!” Yeah, so? I just don’t have the desire to tread through it. I’m fucking tired, man.

I haven’t been a regular ‘writer’ in forever. I used to write all the time. I used to feel like I could write, but the lack of practice fucked it all up. This is all word vomit. Apologies.

What’s next? I just want to be happy and do something I’m interested in. I don’t want to finish up the math I need at this community college only to transfer to a university to take more math classes and waste money from a loan to be fucking miserable.

Maybe I should be a history teacher. I feel like I have a strong voice; I love history. Why not?

My birthday is coming up in a couple of months. I feel like I’ve never worked a day in my life.

My girlfriend moved in with me last month. She works at a gas station (for now). I feel like I need to step my shit up in life to make her proud.

Lack of confidence in hopping out of my comfort zone even further is damaging me at the moment.

Word vomit.

Sick of What’s Going on in America

I just want the bullshit to blow over. Whatever is going on in America right now. I miss 2008 or I miss being naive. Human beings are gigantic assholes, and I don’t know why.

I think the black lives matter movement is misguided, power hungry cops are no bueno and that we all need to look at the media and shake our heads in disgust for the race war it is essentially creating.

All the rioting and violence won’t cause anything outside of resentment, anger and confirmation bias (for racists). Hate begets hate.

I feel like this kind of shit wasn’t around in 2008. I keep referencing 2008, because that was (probably) the best year of my life (so far). There wasn’t as much hate being slung around. Of course, that was right before social media began to truly take off. MySpace was still alive and well, and probably ahead of Facebook at that time (2009 was the year Facebook essentially took over). About a year later, Twitter’s popularity exploded. I don’t remember people being as reactionary back then as they are today, but again, the voice you had on the internet was different then than it is now.

It seems as though now people can’t wait to chime in with their opinion as soon as a news story drops. Instead of waiting for available information, they impulsively post their thoughts, as if they want to be the first to be heard, even while being ignorant of the facts.

You can see the worst of humanity in YouTube comments, Facebook post comments and on Twitter — probably in that order.

I’ve just been pretty depressed lately. Racial pride is fucking idiotic; at the same rate, being ashamed of the color of your skin is fucking silly, too (referencing dumbass white apologists).

There’s a problem with power hungry people in general in America. As for the black lives matter movement, why don’t black people in America recognize blacks killing blacks as a mega issue? This piss poor movement is nothing when blacks are killing blacks at a growing rate.

The media isn’t helping. Speaking out on the issue probably doesn’t help, either. Regarding what you say, you are either a “liberal cuck” or a “cuckserative”. Nobody can have a goddamn opinion anymore without being accused of leaning one way or another to one of the two major political parties in the United States.

Would it better to turn off the news, deactivate Facebook & Twitter and live your life? I’m beginning to think so! Ignorance is bliss!

Sometimes You Have to Give Up Short-Term Pleasure for Long-Term Success

And long-term happiness (I didn’t want to turn the post into title gore).

I cancelled my EA Sports UFC 2 preorder for the Xbox One. The game is releasing in ten days. I was (still am) excited for it, being a huge MMA fan. I’m not a big gamer, and I don’t play much, but I haven’t truly enjoyed a UFC game since THQ’s UFC Undisputed 3 in 2012. EA Sports’ first UFC game in 2014 was pretty good but was flawed from top to bottom, and the offline portion of the game was barebones. The career mode was bland and the online tired me out. The second game looks like it’s pretty deep and offers a lot of options.

But I had to cancel it.

I’m in the middle of a grueling college semester right now.

The fall semester of last year offered up my first ever taste of chemistry. I made a B after studying my ass off and trying my best.

I’m taking the second part of chemistry, CHEM112, this semester. I took the first test almost two weeks ago and I made a 48. I’d studied for five days straight before the test. It had to do with gas laws and molarity/solute mixtures. Something that is easy for others was a painful process for yours truly to learn. I guess I couldn’t remember all the gas laws, and that was my downfall. I felt terrible about failing, but my disappointment and pain was assuaged when I heard of all the fellow students around me talk about their piss poor grades.

I need to get better. There are only two more tests this semester. I must focus. I can’t lost focus. So I cancelled my preorder for EA Sports UFC 2. Like I said, I hardly game these days. Other people might say, “Dude, you could’ve still bought it and made time to play it”, and that’s true, but here’s the kicker: I’m an all-or-nothing kind of guy. My multitasking skills are atrocious. When I decide to do something, I’m either all-in or not! What’s the point of buying a $60 game when I won’t be able to properly enjoy it or play it?

I hate procrastinating with a passion. If I know I have something to do, it eats away at me. There’s no way I’d be able to play that game in the middle of the semester while knowing I should be studying, working on assignment or being active or something. This is why I believe one day, probably soon, I’ll be giving up video games forever (at least until I have kids or if my girlfriend wants to play sometimes), because my “hey, let’s do this work, fucker!” conscience kicks in all too often.

I guess this is a good thing.

Do I want to play the game? You bet your ass. I’d love to pick it up on its release date and play it for hours!

But I can’t. I need to pass. I told myself when I returned to college in 2014 that I’d get my shit together and avenge my poor showing in 2009.

I can’t stop now. The show must go on.

You can apply the above to all walks of life.

Discipline is a very underrated thing, everybody. We all have temptations. To be crude and straightforward, every day at the college I see smokin’ hot babes who I’d love to bend over and rail six ways to Sunday, but I simply enjoy the view rather than ever doing anything, because 1.) I’m not a cheater, 2.) living a life with a clear conscience is way easier and relaxing than one full of chaos and guilt, and 3.) I love my girlfriend, and no piece of ass is worth losing her.

(If you are offended by the terminology above, get over your politically correct self and try to see the actual message.)

I have a post on motivation coming soon. Mostly about a deficiency at times. Questioning myself.

Have a wonderful day today. Don’t waste it. If you start something that you need to be doing, at least for five minutes, you are more likely to continue that task! Don’t stop!

Having Racial Pride is Stupid and Pointless

What is the point?

Being proud of ‘your history‘ is pretty weak.

Who CARES what your great, great, great grandpa did or didn’t do? It’s irrelevant. Where your ancestors came from means very little. What YOU do… now, that impresses others.

I don’t understand racial pride — or national pride, for that matter.

What sort of idiot is proud over an accident of birth?

Cain Velasquez is a quality mixed martial artist, but his “brown pride” tattoo is silly. If you don’t believe it to be silly, then let me ask you, would you think “white pride” is fine, too? I think both are silly. Why have pride in something you didn’t personally accomplish? It’s pointless.

Also, expecting respect because of your ancestry is as wrong and childish as making judgements about people because of the color of their skin, or the country their great grandpappy came from.

Stop.

Do What They Say You Couldn’t

Do the work. Do the fucking work. Just do it.

I began college in the fall of 2009. After one month, I only began attending my 8am English class, because that was the only time of the day I felt I could relax. I was in a failing, unhealthy relationship at the time that I prioritized over my education and future. It eventually faltered.

I dropped out of college with a 1.9 GPA. After half a decade of laziness and unremitting procrastination, I returned in the fall of 2014. Now I’m in the second year, busting my ass and doing the best I possibly can. I got comfortable with being uncomfortable. If I can do it, you can, too. Valid or not, excuses are excuses.

Don’t let your failures and setbacks hinder your future. Look through the windshield; not the rearview mirror. You are not your past or your previous mistakes/failures.

If anybody tries to make you feel small because of previous occurrences, kick them out of your life. If you can’t, then move. Get away where you can create a fresh start. If you can’t, because of a family tie, then compromise. Just do what you need to do. You are the person responsible for your successes. Not anybody else.

I can’t stress that enough.

I’ve been a loser for far too long, previous to 2014. You wouldn’t believe how lazy I was. I would wake up in the morning, walk around in circle in my house (a doublewide), around my living room, the dining room, kitchen and secondary living room, trying to piece together what had happened in late 2009 and the year 2010. I would replay my failures over and over again in my head for no good reason.

I would play Madden NFL Football on my Xbox 360. I’d play Call of Duty. Halo: Reach. It didn’t matter. I wasted so much time. I could’ve been learning a new science, brushing up on my math skills for the hell of it, reading more biographies. Doing anything.

No.

I dwelled on my past.

But I stopped doing it.

There was nothing in my past that I could garner anything else from. I made mistakes. I had to learn from them and I did. Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has skeletons in the closet. Nobody is perfect. If you ever meet the perfect person, you better leave a comment on my blog letting me know, because I want to meet them and shake their hand, because that’d be a first. There’s no such thing.

Anything worth doing in life isn’t exactly easy.

Fuck easy.

“Easier said than done” is the biggest bullshit phrase ever concocted. Of course it’s easier said than done. Talking about the need to take a shit is easier than actually going to complete your daily number two, now isn’t it?

Remove that phrase from your vocabulary. Of course the desire to change your life is easier said than done. Anything worth doing is easier said than done.

You build habits one by one, like a brick mason laying down bricks. One by one, something is built upon. Maybe after the first few bricks, you can’t mentally imagine what is going on, but after fifty bricks have been laid you can see the process. It will be a tangible result. Rome wasn’t built in a day. The world keeps spinning no matter what the fuck you do.

And anything you do has nothing to do with being professional. Fuck being professional. The world doesn’t care about how professional you are. The world cares about results.

Life isn’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Thanks, Rocky.

Now do the fucking work. Only put off what you need to do for tomorrow if you are OK with dying having put it off.