Change of Career Choices, Fear and Aging

I made my first WordPress blog in late 2006. It was about sports. I think I wrote about how Marc Bulger was a top 5 quarterback in the NFL or something. In 2007, I made another sports blog and wrote on there for a couple of years before I burned out. I wanted to be a sports journalist. I talked to sportswriters from around the nation online (on a forum geared towards sportswriters) and practiced my passion. Then I met my first love, dated her for two and a half years before she cheated on and left me. After battling (natural) depression for a while, I wanted to go balls deep into the nutritional science field, but I took no action for a while..

After returning to (community) college in 2014 (for a reference: I graduated high school in 2009 and originally went to college that fall before dropping out by the end of the semester), I made straight A’s and decided that, for the fall of 2015, I’d change my major to pre-med, since I’d decided I wanted to be a physical therapist.

The 2015 school season, as a whole, was successful. For the first time in my life (at 24-years-old), I took chemistry. I made a B last fall and a C in the spring. It was hell. Math has never been my forte. Hell, I’ve ranted on here about math in the past. But thanks to YouTube videos and intense studying (my notes), I made it through that goddamn class. But the worst part of it was my lab instructor. Now… I do realize that most students were 18-years-old, fresh out of high school, but I didn’t appreciate being talked down to or treated like a subhuman by the lab instructor, who did just that to everybody in the class. I could rant and rant about that, but I’ll leave it at that. I digress.

I changed my major back to general studies last month when I went to sign up for fall classes. I only have a few more credits to complete before I move on. This has been a journey of personal redemption for yours truly. I really fucked up back in 2009 by not withdrawing from classes properly. I had a 1.9 GPA when I returned to college in 2014… I’ve brought that puppy up to a 3.0 through plenty of hard work.

I changed my major because this last year destroyed my passion for wanting to be a physical therapist. “Destroyed” might be a dramatic way of putting it, but really, I just don’t give a shit. After all the math (chemistry + the developmental math class I was taking), my passion and drive was zapped. I just lack the desire to want to continue through all the future math classes. Why do I need calculus? What’s the point? It just feels so fruitless to me. I can’t dig deep enough to find a reason to move forward in that endeavor, y’know?

All the money in the world isn’t worth wasting time being miserable. You might say, “Bruh, just think, once you get through all that math, you’ll be done for good!” Yeah, so? I just don’t have the desire to tread through it. I’m fucking tired, man.

I haven’t been a regular ‘writer’ in forever. I used to write all the time. I used to feel like I could write, but the lack of practice fucked it all up. This is all word vomit. Apologies.

What’s next? I just want to be happy and do something I’m interested in. I don’t want to finish up the math I need at this community college only to transfer to a university to take more math classes and waste money from a loan to be fucking miserable.

Maybe I should be a history teacher. I feel like I have a strong voice; I love history. Why not?

My birthday is coming up in a couple of months. I feel like I’ve never worked a day in my life.

My girlfriend moved in with me last month. She works at a gas station (for now). I feel like I need to step my shit up in life to make her proud.

Lack of confidence in hopping out of my comfort zone even further is damaging me at the moment.

Word vomit.